Category: Relationships

Friends

Some of the most endearing stories that can win hearts and inspire faith in humanity are those that are to be found in lasting friendships. As the old adage, if recast in the today’s grim scenario, would go – ‘you can’t choose your relatives, you don’t pick your boss, you mightn’t trust your luck with the new house-maid or driver’ – but most certainly you can bank upon your old friend/s. As Henry Higgins (remember ‘My Fair Lady’) would say to his long standing companion, Col. Pickerin, ‘Why can’t they be more like you’ ?!

In a strife ridden world of antagonism, rancor and mistrust, there have also been many exemplary characters whose irrefutable friendships have stood the test of time. We also have our learnings from our mythology of the kind of unshakeable faith and ties that existed between Lord Krishna and Arjun, Karna and Duryodhan, Lord Ram and Sugreev and many such legends.

My favorite friendship stories come from the world of sport where though men and women strive to outdo each other in sporting competiveness many forge alliances which last lifelong. Tennis legends Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe fought many an epic battle on the court but ended up as best of friends, so much so, that Borg was best man at John’s famous wedding !

From our own sub-continent, is  cricket’s wonderful camaraderie between arguably the best opening ODI pair India has ever produced – Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, who together featured in over 8800 runs in partnership. Their mutual admiration and friendship has lasted 30 long years and is the stuff that legends are made of. On his 46th birthday two days back, ‘Dada’ got special wishes, written in chaste Bengali from the ‘God of Cricket’, Sachin !

The subject of friendship became the theme for one of America’s longest running popular sitcoms ‘Friends’. The players became household names and actress Jennifer Aniston a superstar. Interestingly it also started a great bonding between Jennifer and actress Courtney Cox for all times to come. This when it’s believed two actresses cannot be good friends !

Hollywood with its rich history has many lovable anecdotes on friendship. The lead actors of the magnum opus ‘Titanic’ – Leonardo De Caprio and Kate Winslet after enjoying all the acting accolades from the monumental movie, went on to forge a lasting friendship which has continued for over two decades !

How can one miss out on Hindi cinema’s great friendship stories which are many but to me the most poignant and eternal were the ones between the ace actors and those who provided their golden singing voices – Raj Kappor and Mukesh, Dev Anand and Kishore and Shammi Kapoor and Md. Rafi !

It would not be entirely right to say that the present generation with all its intensity and passion, possibly cannot keep up to the demand of enduring friendship but that’s how it appears to old-timers. I remember my father’s friends stick by him (and he to them ) right till their autumn years. That gentile tradition has continued – we too can proudly say  that some of us in our ‘old friends’ group have had the same strong ties for the last over five decades !

What then is lasting friendship all about ? As usual , the Bard puts it best – ‘ A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become,  and still gently allows you to grow ’ !

Vipin

Fine Art of Receiving Praise

It’s always said that we must be open to feedback, analysis and criticism in a positive way for they help us introspect, improve and grow.  What about having the right attitude and grace while receiving praise – assuming that it’s genuine even if it’s in the form of grudging admiration, back handed compliments and from the least expected quarters ! Strangely, a large number of people do not know how to handle praise (not taking celebrities, the very rich and famous into account who are generally subjected to much adulation and get trolled too).

Expectedly, different people react differently – the gentle ones get overwhelmed, for their humility doesn’t allow them to have claim to high acclaim. The suspicious types have mind-set that says we cannot possibly deserve such feedback – anyone who pays us a compliment must be either lying, misguided, or feeling sorry for us and is suspect ! Others acknowledge with a cryptic ‘thank you’ not knowing who to react possibly because they are not used to paying compliments either. But the ‘unkindest cut’ comes when one doesn’t appreciate the complimentary gesture, if one considers others being in an lesser position of authority .

A compliment is, after all, a kind of gift, and turning down a gift insults the person giving it, suggesting that you don’t value them as highly as they value you. On the other hand, paying right compliments is an art. My Dad, who would always inspire everyone with encouraging words, had once said to me ‘ If you’ve to say something good to someone don’t hold back – be eloquent, generous and large-hearted. When you’re being critical be direct, honest, don’t overstate the issue and repeat yourself..’

There are also those who know how to share credit when received – I had once written an article for my Boss which appeared in the newspaper under his name and got him high praise. He directed these to me captioning ‘ You deserve’ ! One need not be arrogant to take a compliment well, just a reasonably well-balanced, self-assured person.

Unless one’s a professional critic or book-reviewer by choice ( or the favourite of the Boss in the office !) , why should one praise others ? Many people, with a high opinion of themselves, find nothing praiseworthy. When and if they do, vanity prevents them to indulge in what they consider flattery or patronage ! An old colloquial proverb simply puts it ‘Only a true goldsmith recognizes the really precious metal !’ My favourite quote remains –  ‘To dance in the rain, you must first learn to praise HIM in the storm’

Receiving Praise

( picture source : soulopeners.org )

The Silent Treatment

An interesting incident I clearly recall from my working days is that of a distinguished but very elderly gentleman who’d come with his son for some loan documentation – as I tried to explain the banking implications, his eyes conveyed understanding but his lips hardly moved. It felt as if it was his way of communicating ‘Son, say your stuff but I’ll not waste my breath’. This, however, was in contrast to what most of us do – talk ten to the dozen and try to out-talk others to the extent that the point is missed.

Age and wisdom must have something to do with the amount we talk and appreciating that, sometimes, silence can do that better than any words. As the great Socrates had said ‘The more I learn, the less I realize I know !’ It is now well-known that the fine art of listening can be developed more through silence and observing the verbal and non-verbal communication cues.

Having said this, over a period of time one finds that silence has adopted a sort of protesting posture to express anger and become uncommunicative. Other than in fractured professional relationships and ego clashes that take place in the work-place on account of  various  factors, the more disturbing trend is that of people increasingly maintaining stony silence and becoming unresponsive even in their own homes to defy elders trying to assert themselves, hurt own ‘rival’ siblings or punish their partners for pain they may have caused.

Giving the ‘silent treatment’ and not taking calls or replying to messages is the new tool in the modern couple’s warfare and in the family disputes. When people stop talking to each other, the scope for resolving the conflict gets stalled but the best way of solving problems and misunderstandings has to be through dialogues. This silence which conveys anger also, aims to make the others feel guilty and puts more strain on the relationship and leads to emotional deadlock. Hence the communications channels must reopen and talking and taking it off the chest is still one of the best ways to mend fences.

However, let’s look at the lighter and brighter side of ‘silence’ – a smart subordinate is better off silent, than argue with an irate, unrelenting Boss ! Also, as one smart alec said ‘LISTEN’ and ‘SILENT’, both have the same alphabets and amazingly, both are meant for HUSBANDS !’ What say ?!

silent partner

Finding Goodwill

When celebrated and hugely talented, talismanic South African cricketer, AB De Villiers retired from international cricket yesterday, there was legions said and written about his cricketing prowess and breath-taking records by players, writers, peers and veterans of the cricketing fraternity world over. However, overriding it all was the adulation for a modern-day super-star with grace and humility rarely seen on the field and off it, who’d never let any discordant note or controversy surround his actions, and admiration for a role-model, playing a ‘gentleman’s game’ !

Accepting that AB D was extraordinary and a class apart, what happens in the lives of normal people who call it a day. It’s often seen that after their proverbial long innings of professional life and that stint from the seat of power and authority is over, most people slowly become relics and their names get submerged only to remain in the record books having served in the institution once upon a time. The ‘Ex’ factor stops being exciting whether attributed to a Boss or a partner/friend !

It’s not always that the compulsive ‘out of sight, out of mind’ theory is intentionally followed, for the world must move on and new must replace the old as a natural consequence.  But even with the dynamics of change, some old faces, voices, acts, names and memories linger on because of that intangible asset they created in their time – called ‘goodwill’ !

The world of accounting looks at this concept of ‘goodwill’ as the value of a company’s brand name, solid customer base, good customer relations, good employee relations and any patents or proprietary technology. Break it down to core human elements and we have those stand-out qualities of amity, benevolence, altruism, grace and human compassion which create that ‘goodwill’ which keeps alive the memory of a person long after he/she has gone. Appreciative, humane, compassionate and  the friendly, irrespective of positions they held, spread happiness at work making others around feel nice and wanted. They are truly missed when they leave and faces light up in recognition if they happen to walk in !

However, some individuals, specially those occupying high positions in their professions or organizations, very involved in clinging on to their authority and sense of entitlement and cut-off from the lives of people serving under them, assume that the same largesse will continue when they demit office. It’s amusing but ironic that many top executives have been seen lonely and unsung after the trappings of power are gone. It was a shock to a retired Top Boss, known to be irascible and curt to staff in his heydays, when juniors and subordinates didn’t stand up and even acknowledge his presence – it was their idea of pay-back time !

It’s not about being the best on the job but making a difference to the lives of the people and making it better and happy. Finding goodwill is a journey and not a destination – it’s not tangible but makes you so rich !

AB De Villiers

Bumping into Each Other – After Ages !

There are some people one would like to happily forget having ever met – conversely losing all track of one-time close friends can be frustrating too. In the current scenario of the hyper-active social media and whatsapp groups surging all around, there are innumerable cases of long lost old chums and class-fellows and even ex-soulmates getting reconnected and picking up the threads for another innings at wonderful relationship building on the back of old memories and associations !

The first few moments of such reunions are generally spent on exchanges (from pictures shared) on the physical metamorphosis that necessarily goes with passage of time- ‘wow, you’ve really lost weight’; ‘oh you’re still the same’ ; ‘you seem to have so matured’ (meaning lost hair and/or started looking old !) and such happy exclamations.  The next round is devoted to sharing personal details – professional and personal, and for those in mid-life, the family’s progress and their notable milestones, which become a source of great amazement to others-‘Super!’, ‘Really!’ ‘How Wonderful !’

Having gone through all of that, what’s more spectacularly exciting is unexpectedly bumping into an old, dear friend one fine morning and the belated recognition that comes a split second late ! This, like all true stories, happened to me, on a day which started uneventfully. Catching an early morning local train to work I barged into a guy in a hurry and lo and behold we came face to face– ‘Good Lord, imagine meeting like this after 17 years’ he said, but only after a massive bear hug of sheer delight ! Purushottam Jhalani and I had spent three exciting years together, working in our overseas office in Nairobi, Kenya back in 2000 but had somehow lost all contact after we went our ways.

What was astonishing was that not only had we instantly recognized each other (both being perennially youthful !) but had actually been living in the same city (Mumbai) and in the same locality for the last seven years without our paths ever crossing  till this fateful morning at the station. But then as we know, Someone above has his own ways of mending things … in his own time !

It’s not said without reason ‘Happiness is meeting an old friend after a long time and the feeling that nothing has changed’ !

Remembering ‘Mom’

After a certain age (say upwards of 50) most of us start to idolize our parents who are no longer there, forgetting that like all mortals they too had their share of strengths and frailties (not to talk of idiosyncrasies !) but were remarkably, so special in their own way ! Whenever I remember our Mom, I think of a true fighter, someone who could take on a big fight and emerge victorious, an old-world ‘Mary Kom’ without the red boxing gloves !

Her big battles, we recall, were ones she combated against all forms of dependence, infirmity and old age, which she always found so exasperating. Back in 2005, during her stay with us in Mumbai, she fell very seriously ill and had to be hospitalized. Our good family doctor didn’t give the 75 year-old much chance but after many trips in and out of nursing homes and our home, she pulled through. This amazed Doc so much that he’d say to us in Guju-Hindi ‘Mataji has a tryst with God, Bless her !’ Within a year she was back to her favourite place, her home in Lucknow and her own pursuits.

In 2014, she was still 84 years young but one day suddenly, as it happens, she developed acute hernia needing immediate surgery. The senior surgeon declared that at her age there was equal risk in surgery or avoiding it. Mom agreed to get operated but asked to see her son before it was performed. I did reach while it was going on and to us the rest was history. She had again beaten the odds – within months made fair recovery albeit slowly this time.

Two years ago, Mom went into coma, never coming out of it and passed away on 10th February, 2016. In my profession as bankers with mobility, we had always resisted transfers out of our comfort zones in our service life. Figuratively speaking, I think our Mom didn’t resist this last transfer too much – maybe it was peaceful and painless and she was eager to meet Dad !

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It’s That Time of the Year Again ..

Do you remember clearly this day, exactly thirty eight years past,

Two unknowns bound in holy wedlock, their hearts beating fast !

What it felt then to give up freedom for this lifelong relationship,

Many years later, it’s been hard fought battles and deep friendship!

What new can I say to you – multi-tasking comrade, companion, wife

Except that it’s now time for a new beginning  to rediscover life !

Let us not be driven by handsets or clocks whether they ring or chime,

Go for drives, runs, walks together, whenever you take out the time !

Let us grow young and bold again, as we become heavier and older,

Explore exotic places like Iceland, as we did when younger and bolder !

And then there’s our little One for whom our hearts are always yearning,

What can we give grandchildren except love and the joy of learning !

Aging is about becoming more noble, forgiving and gentle – as a dove,

Staying healthy and happy with each passing day, is a grace from above !

Second-in-Command : Unsung or On-song

It’s often the classic Catch-22 syndrome at work – the second in command is an unsung entity, selflessly committed to the organisation for a thankless cause and then, in many cases an indispensable commodity every leader needs and wants to retain as long as he/she can.

Why then is the ‘Number Two’ down-played to the extent that all critical analysis for shortcomings are reserved for them while the credit for good work done is appropriated by the ‘Chief’ seizing the right platform to claim it ?! Having seen this, many management gurus say ‘ a leader is as good as his team’ and you’re a lucky boss if you have a capable deputy !

One of the best attributes of good deputy is playing the problem-solver, shock-absorber role and protecting the ‘Numero-Uno’ from facing unpleasant situations, allowing them to focus on the key areas of core business related decisions. Part of a person’s ability as the second in command, therefore, includes obvious traits such as  responsible and dependable, but higher weight needs to be given to being loyal yet unobtrusive.

Despite the aura of indispensability, the deputy must not seem to look ‘more loyal than the king’, try to corner glory even if rightfully earned and be motivated enough to trudge along even without much recognition, for the ‘prime show time slot’ must be unfailingly kept for the superior ! I had once introduced ‘My Boss’ before his speech in a rather elaborate fashion and also dwelt on his subject a bit – result was, he got pretty uptight hissing under his breath ‘if you’ve said it all, what’s left for me ! ’

An interesting situation arose in a Test match between India and Australia ( Mar’17), its importance paramount being the decider for the series. Ace winning captain and leader, Virat Kohli was unable to play due to injury.The low-profile Vice-captain, Ajinkya Rahane took over as captain for the first time under pressure. Being different in every way, he chose to follow his own leadership style of silent aggression and the rest is history! Rahane proved that 2IC can be as good, given the opportunity.

What then, is the message for the indefatigable ‘Second Man/Woman’ ? The fine art of succession planning in organisations calls for developing people for higher positions through working in close proximity with good leaders. Sadly, not all bosses are willing to let go their hegemony even for a second, forgetting their roles of mentors and nurturers in the process.

A wise deputy will learn from his/her experience the ‘tricks of the trade’ and survival skills to carve a niche, moving out of the proverbial shadows of the huge oak tree !  As the Bard says ‘ there is a tide in the affairs of men, which when taken at the flood, lead on to fortune… ‘

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Champion Fathers

One of the many cult film dialogues Big B made famous in his baritone was ‘ Rishte mein toh hum tumhare baap laagte hain, naam hai …’ but taken in another context, do the names of the fathers of our icons and legends ring a bell ? Most of them remain unsung heroes ( we seem to have so many of them in our country ! ) staying away from the limelight but ever the pillar of support to their sons and daughters against years of social repression, adversities, economic roadblocks and being always around when the making of a champion was in progress !

Talking of women achievers – super-sportswomen Sania Mirza, Saina Nehwal, PV Sindhu, Sakshi Malik, Mithali Raj and the latest sensation in cricket, Harmanpreet Kaur have all credited their fathers for their huge success yet we would hardly recall their names. !). There have been women luminaries in the fields like banking and finance – Arundhati Bhattarcharya (SBI), Chanda Kochar  (ICICI), Naina Lal Kidwai (HSBC) and many others but few would be familiar with the names of their inspirational parents !  It’s easier quizzing on actors Deepika Padukone, Alia Bhatt or veteran Shabana Azmi because their father’s are legends in their own right (there are many famous star sons and daughters too !).

Amir Khan in “Dangal” immortalized the role of the father figure ‘Mahavir Singh Phogat’ fighting against a patriarchal system to make champions, his two daughters in the male dominated wrestling sport, which was a tribute to the man’s great sacrifice and vision. Yet there would be few takers of  scripts which tell stories of these unsung heroes.    But why talk of icons alone, fathers have been role models and path-finders for today’s average girl in the massive transformation that is taking place in society as women dauntlessly compete in every sphere.

Back in the 70s, I remember a lady friend who had qualified in the IAS doing some plain-speaking – ‘I had to get through the exam, if only to justify my father’s faith in my abilities’. Today, there are success stories of women charting unknown territories with parents right behind them.

But the real story close to my heart is that of a father who went ahead with his favourite daughter’s dream to pursue a career overseas. In the 70s, other than scholarships, there was no easy financial support for studying abroad and relatives in US to fall back upon as they’re today –yet they went ahead. The girl is now a senior, distinguished professor of Masscom in New York  living her dream and that man was my Father !20150915_133541_resized

The Man Who Knew So Much – Dr.Satya Gopal Basu ( 19.08.28.- 21.04.05 )

Some words seem to be tailor-made for some people. ‘The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and ability to impact those around him positively’- famous lines from singer Bob Marley, that is my fitting tribute to an extraordinary person, Dr.Satya Gopal Basu – well known Radiology specialist for the Indian Railways, territorial armyman, administrator, social worker and above all, a devout family man ! As we celebrate his 90th birth anniversary, reminiscing life and times with him is a fascinating journey down memory lane.

Born in Asansol on 19th August, 1928 to Shri Probodh Chandra Bose, a govt. servant of the Eastern Railways, young ‘Satya’ was always a bright student who took up the noble medical profession having graduated from R.G.Kar Medical College and later specializing in Radiology from KGMC,Lucknow and also becoming a part of the Territorial Army serving in rank of a Major.   What followed was a truly spectacular career of success and goodwill, spanning forty years which entailed travels across the country from home-state West Bengal to exotic Jodhpur in Rajasthan, to DMO in the Railway Hospital, Allahabad in UP culminating as the prestigious MS in New Delhi.

However, his real ‘karmbhoomi’ so as to say, was Allahabad city where he served for 18 golden years between the years 1969 to 1987 and earned great respect not only as a renowned doctor and administrator but as a citizen and eminent member of the Bengali community and a popular social figure. This also was where fortune smiled at me when I got married to Tandra, his only daughter in 1980 and came to appreciate the person that Dr.Basu was !

Of his many remarkable qualities were his genial ‘physician’s bedside manner’, a smiling persona suited to the sobriquet like ‘Mr. Congeniality’. For my family, he was always the panacea to all our problems. One would find him brightly responding with his ‘Ekdum fine!’ and horsing around with his grandsons relating funny tales ! However, what amazed me about him was his versatility and range of in-depth knowledge of diverse fields like music, literature, theatre, films, sports, stock markets, finance, politics, amazing cooking skills in Bengali cuisine and sheer passion for gardening !

After hanging up his boots, he involved himself in various pursuits that included some foreign trips but in April,2005, fate literally dealt a cruel ‘stroke’. He went into a sudden coma from which he never recovered and left us this day, thirteen years ago, though relatively young at the age of 76.

I couldn’t ever emulate his range of excellence but have found some of that genius in his progeny. We all firmly believe that larger-than-life men like Dr. Basu never fade away into oblivion for they leave legacies that never die. For me, his greatness came from being simple yet great at many things and living for many causes that elevated and made the lives of others happy !